Being in college is a long string of sleeping, wanting to sleep, and eating flaming hot cheetos with ramen. If you just throw in a couple half-remembered drunken nights and a couple hours nodding off in class, you have yourself the makings of any movie about being in college ever.
But for the overachievers of the world, college is less drunken bumbling and more hours of life lost to the library. But all things, fortunately, must end, and for me they have (muahahahaha! Goodbye school! Oh wait…) But for the sad saps who are still in school, as the last year of the book-learning commences, new seniors may find themselves faced with a number of problems that none of their professors have taught them how to deal with. Namely:
1. Excited Freshmen
I was never the “Yay college!” type, but I remember the first few weeks in the dorm well. Freshmen running drunkenly through the halls, running drunkenly across campus, running drunkenly down the street screaming ¨Yayyyyy, college!!!!” It was annoying then. Now, it is excruciating.
Freshmen are just so excited to be here, in the hallowed halls of this state-run institution. They want to try everything and see everything and talk to everything. They are exuberantly, loudly being their brand-new college selves and trying to drink in every drop of every parent-free experience they could possibly have.
I was never this person. Probably most of the people out there weren’t either. But they seem like they’re everywhere. They’re taking up seats on the bus and in the library and in the 101 classes you have to take because you put off fulfilling general university requirements until the final semester of your final year.
But please remember, you are (at least legally) an adult now and can be convicted by a jury of your peers in a court of law. So refrain from physical assault, and try to be satisfied with giving them curmudgeonly glares as you lug your textbooks to class.
2. Failing Technology
That sleek new laptop you got for your high school graduation was on the cutting edge of technology, with its processors and USB 2.0 and wireless connectivity. Thin, light, a battery life that never ends. A warranty to cover every possible nightmarish blue screen of death and accidental coffee-spill-malfunction that machine could throw your way.
“It’ll last you all through college and probably until your first real paycheck!” your parents excitedly told you (not my parents. They knew I was going into the humanities and what that would mean for my future paycheck size. But you know, someone’s parents probably said that).
One day, you looked around and realized your computer is now clunky and out-of-date. The screen is a weird color with mysterious scratches, the fan is embarrassingly loud every time you’re in the quiet section of the library, and the battery is so far gone that the machine won’t even turn on unless it’s plugged in. Plus, the magical warranty of sunshine and happiness expired a week ago.
Sure, the rapid descent of new technology into obsolescence is news to no-one, but it’s a concept some people (namely, me) seem to struggle with.
So it’s important to remember: venting your anger by being physically violent toward your wayward technology might feel so good in the moment, but it’s a little hard to retrieve files from the lagging hard drive if the computer is also bent in half. The wrong way. Also, back up. Everything.
3. Disintegrating motivation
Maybe you were a straight-A student in high school and the early years of college. Maybe you’ve just been getting by with luck and bribing teachers with coffee every morning.
Either way, whatever motivation you had to begin with is long gone now. Every assignment is like bamboo shoots to the eyes and fingernails pulled out and inches stretched on the rack. You try to study but find yourself instead staring blankly at the computer screen or watching another Youtube video or scrolling over the same content on the same websites over and over and over.
The solution to this is simple. Find a pen and write it down. There will be a test. It’s:
You’ll be like one of those excited freshmen again.